All Questions and No Answers

Washington DC in Spring

 

It could have been a month, a week or a lifetime. Any body of the made up thing we call time with Mark is so enjoyable and conflict free that I lose sense of where I am in this race of life. We are so similar in mindset that the only thing we might truly disagree about is the nature and impact of technology in the world.

Well, perhaps that isn’t entirely true, he happens to think IPAs are delicious, where I would prefer something fruity and light, but I think you get the idea. After not seeing my friend for the better half of a year I went out to visit him for a week. I have not felt so at ease in a considerable amount of time. We busied ourselves with the affairs of daily life, going to the store (the man keeps no food in his fridge), making coffee in the morning, him waking me up to ask if I wanted to go to the gym with him. It was all so tranquil.

Mark and I have large appetites for delicious food. Reservations were made at all my favorite spots and we even managed a new restaurant. Mark lives in D.C. and there is so much to do and see. There were trips to at least four museums, walks around the memorials, paddle boats on the lake, everything to make it a memorable trip. The thing that kept coming into my mind was how nice it all was. Mark’s easy going spirit paired with my strong will make a good match. I come up with the ideas of things to do and he is seemingly happy to go along with any and all of my whims.

It was almost too good to be true when he quipped back on a joke I made about taking over his closest that I really started imagining what a partnership with one of my best friends could look like. Life would be calm and steady with little created strife. I would probably gain a few pounds at first until I started keeping up with his work out schedule, but that would be good for me in the long run.

There would also be new areas of the world opened to me in terms of travel. Mark is more adventurous than I am in terms of geographical locations he’s willing and eager to explore, whereas I tend to go to places I know, like Europe and some of Central America. With Mark, I could see myself being comfortable going to Thailand, Cambodia, the South Pacific, China and beyond.

The hypothetical world I was envisioning increasingly grew in appeal over the course of the week. Though one nagging thing reminded me that if were ‘meant to be’ (whatever that means) this one element would probably be a non issue. That issue was sex. I am not, to my great dismay, sexually attracted to Mark. We have tried going down that road in the past with mild success. Don’t get me wrong, he is as courteous in that area as he is in all others. Mark is kind, thoughtful and giving, but for all that I am not taken with him. I cannot get wrapped up in it. The feeling of letting go and opening up that way alludes me, to my great disappointment.

Believe me, I wish from a very real and deep place that I could alter my view of him in that regard. How wonderful would it be to find your life partner in a dearest friend. Many people have and I would be happy to join that group, but when I try to force myself to change I know that the effort is, in itself an answer. And yet I wonder…

I wonder if I could get over that part of myself that wants a great or good lover in a partnership. So many relationships have been based on so much less. Could it be worth a letting go of certain things? Isn’t that what naturally happens anyway? Don’t we all give away certain parts of ourselves or let them die so that other things can take their place?

If we were in a different time or even a different place in our current time I would be more than happy to partner with him. Why then have I become so picky as to turn this option away. Is it not greed in the true sense of the word to expect so much and offer to offer nothing up in return?

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