Why is it that the things we should get rid of we end up keeping with us? After telling the story of an flame I thought my feelings for him would be released. Like writing was a way of exorcising his ghost from my heart. While it was a step towards letting him go it did not destroy the bond I had been building in my mind to him.
If only there were a button to push in my mind to turn off the memories, longing and desire for the person who hurt me to make things right. What is the expiration of an emotional debt? Can a person really expect that to ever be paid by the offending individual? Or are we compensated by our new relationships and is that wrong to have those not responsible for our deficit filling the voids?
Wouldn’t a healthy adult fill the holes left by another themselves? Isn’t that what mature people do? And if it isn’t shouldn’t it be? And for all the talk of what adults should or should not do, where are our role models for this upstanding behavior, does it exist?
My first impulse to being hurt is to attack in kind. Thankfully through an over developed sense of empathy I rarely act on my primary feelings. But they exist none the less. Is it instinct that drives those thoughts? There are studies that indicate people who believe revenge will help them feel better, do in fact feel good when they know someone ‘got what they had coming to them’. It’s also shown that in groups where someone is punished for wrong doing by the wronged party the wronged person is far less likely to be crossed by other members of the group.
All this to say, I’ve tried time, space, cathartic journalling, public writing and still I feel owed. Willpower alone is not enough it seems to blast this unwanted emotional equivalent of a worn out middle school math t-shirt out of my heart. Any suggestions besides ripping the damn thing up and using it as a rag until the fibers slowly disintegrate?